Date: 07/29/2005

Category: · Writing » Interview · Writing  » News Coverage  » SFist · Writing  » Topic  » misc

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The only thing more shocking than Charo consenting to an interview with SFist is that there are people in the world who don't know who she is. For those philistines, here's a quick recap: Charo is a Spanish superstar of song, dance, and guitar, known for her eccentric catchphrase ("coochi coochi"), wild ensembles, a record-setting number of Loveboat guest appearances, and a speech pattern that is unpredictable, frantic, and totally unstoppable. You don't have to be a gay man to love her, but lord knows it doesn't hurt.

During the week of August first, fans of Charo -- and who on earth isn't her fan -- are in for a treat: the board of supes has designated it Charo Week in San Francisco! Can this city get any more awesome? Yes, yes it can: The lady herself is going to be rolling into town this week, exploding onstage at the Herbst, and also out-hekling Heklina as she judges a Charo-impersonation contest at Trannyshack. Holy freaking mother of pearl. And what's that you say? The Stud's going to have an open vodka bar that night? Well, that's just peachy. The only way that night could possibly be any better is if someone said the words "and a very special surprise appearance by Olivia Newton John." We know it's not likely. But the way things are going here, we wouldn't rule anything out.

It would not be accurate to say that we "caught up" with Charo, as so many celebrity interviewers do; a more apt description would be that we were tied to a post like a tetherball and verbally slapped senseless until we were completely tangled in rope at the top of a very high pole. Our phone conversation went something like, "Hi, Charo, thanks so much for--" "Hello! I am so happy to be bringing original music of today for dancing! I am performing a new style, neosalsa and neoflamenco, because every day I want to improve myself, tomorrow when I wake up I am searching for something better. I'm going to have a bigger thing, ahead of our time, if you love dancing, you gonna wow!" At this point, Charo's voice was nearly being drowned out by the tweeting of tiny birds circling our instantly frazzled brain.

Charo, in addition to being a force of nature, is actually an extremely gifted guitar player, and she promises that her Herbst show will be freaking awesome. It'll include a celebration of her favorite composer, Joachim Rodrigo; she'll be playing a concerto that he wrote about 75 ago. "It's a most beautiful concerto," she gushed, "trust me on that. All you have to do is listen to this music and you feel your brainy organ." Ah, yes. Quite.

You know how all those Latin artists -- Ricky, Jennifer Lo, Shakira -- suddenly burst out of nowhere a few years ago? Well, thank Charo; that Latin explosion would never have happened without her, according to experts (experts such as Charo herself). "I been working prior to them like crazy," she says of the new batch of Latin kids. Way back in the day, music producers only wanted her to produce traditional classical Spanish fare, but she told them, "listen to this wave, this is hot! Forget about the past. We are sick and tired of hearing the old cha cha cha." Well, she sure showed them. Charo produced her own album, with her own unique modern style, and the public loved it. Charo knew she was now free to make the music she wanted: "I got in a fight with those sonaofabitches, but we proved that and now we have to prove something else. Charo-guitar is whatever you say."

Have we mentioned how incredibly quotable this woman is? Seriously. Everything that comes out of her mouth is solid gold. You could make a million years' worth of day calendars out of the stuff she says.

After winning her fight with producers of more traditional music, Charo was triumphant. She jokes about taunting her foes: "I used to call and say, 'Hello, this is Charo, nani nani nani!'" Can you even imagine receiving that call, picking up the phone and hearing that? Can you? No, you can't. Go back and read that quote again, because you simply cannot possibly comprehend the awesome power of picking up the phone and hearing THAT come out of it. It would be like God speaking directly to man: you would simply cease to exist. The lady's so incredible, she needs a freaking metatron.

In another highly quotable moment, Charo explained that, like Elvis, her televised gyrations worried censors. "'You can't do a move like that in television,' you should see these old-fashioned people running from one office to another, trying to control how I was shaking. 'Please don't shake it, please don't do that,' but now it's fun!"

But enough about the past. What of today's modern Charo, what brings she to the stage? Charo told us that her new music is "very powerful, picante, very hot." She then spelled "picante" for us several times. "Picante. This is the title, and it's so hot that people are going to get boiled." Scary!

And speaking of scary, what about this Trannyshack contest? Is that for real? Charo burst out in a peal of laughter at its mention, and told a story about how, one time in Puerto Rico, she entered a Charo drag-look-alike contest ... and lost. When asked why, the judges explained, "she needs more practice." But then! Charo revealed herself, stunning everyone, and she says that they exclaimed, "oh that's the bitch! The bitch is Charo!" Did we mention she's quotable?

As if you could have even suspected otherwise, Charo loves San Francisco. "I live in Hawaii, in Las Vegas, and everywhere you can think of, and the magic and imagination and excitement that is in San Francisco you don't find it anywhere in this USA country. I went to Hawaii with my son and my little nephew because I want them to grow up in a free place, with no discrimination. Aloha means they give you everything that you breathe, because of the ocean and sun. It's beautiful and free, and no discrimination, but if I'm not there, I would settle in San Francisco. You see art and imagination and music everywhere." Here, here!

At this point, the conversation was pretty much winding down, and Charo summed things up pretty accurately for us. "They gonna like my show," she said. "It's unique."

Charo's Herbst show is August 6 at 7:00pm; tickets range from $35 to $75 and are on sale at 415-392-4400 or cityboxoffice.com. Her Trannyshack appearance is August 2 at 10pm, but you're going to want to get there well in advance. Tickets are $8 -- what a steal! -- and are available at the door, bitchez.